U.S’ Child Labor & Abortion Ban: Unearthing Gold from Diapers

Picture the United States, the land of the free and home of the brave, twirling its proverbial mustache while scheming ways to squeeze out the cheapest labor possible. And who could be the unsuspecting scapegoats in this convoluted plot? The rambunctious preteens, the sullen teenagers, and the formidable single moms. After all, they’re youthful, resilient, and come with an irresistible discount tag – the fabulous trio to exploit for cheap labor.

Let’s take a whimsical, yet sharply critical, journey into how the United States is reverting into a Dickensian nightmare, reminiscent of the child labor industrial revolution where instead of Oliver Twist pleading for more gruel, we have 14-year-olds assembling goods and packaging meat into the wee hours of the night.

The “Land of the Free” Redefining Freedom

Child labor – the phrase that typically triggers images of underprivileged kids in underdeveloped countries. However, in a remarkable twist of fate, the beacon of liberty and prosperity – the United States – is heading down a path where child labor is not only becoming legal but also justified under the garb of “work experience.”

For instance, in the state of Iowa, the Iowa Senate child labor laws have recently taken a significant turn. The newly passed Senate file 542 allows children as young as 14 to work six-hour night shifts until 9 pm during the school year and night shifts up to 11 pm during vacations. And these aren’t just paper routes or mowing lawns. These children can work in assembly lines and meat-packing plants, jobs once banned for minors. All under the guise of an “approved training program.” Presumably, so they can share bedtime stories with their teddy bears while assembling products on factory lines.

Oh no, 16 year olds will now be able to serve alcohol at restaurants. Ah, to be young, up past bedtime, and slinging cocktails for tips. Truly, it’s a brave new world for America’s industrious youth.

And should these children get injured? After a hot debate, the Senate decided that kids can now seek compensation. One can only wonder if they’ll be provided a lawyer too, perhaps a 12-year-old with a knack for arguing?

And who’s cheering from the sidelines? The grocery chain HyVee, a serial offender with over $700,000 in fines for 30 labor law violations, including child labor. But, hey, if you can’t beat ’em, legalize ’em, right?

In an unexpected twist to address labor shortages, certain areas in the U.S. have loosened child labor laws. Who’s on the frontlines? Ten-year-olds! Here’s a not-so-happy picture: kids who should be mastering the art of Lego constructions are instead flipping burgers at McDonald’s in Kentucky. Clocking in till 2 a.m., and for zero pay. To add insult to injury, a shocking revelation indicates that 305 children were exploited by 3 McDonald’s franchises alone. The irony is thicker than a Big Mac – kids too young to order a Happy Meal are now serving them up. Seems like arithmetic homework now involves counting McNuggets and mop swings. Truly a surreal, dystopian reboot of the American Dream.

Pandemic Perks: A Rise in Child Labor

With the pandemic, child labor violations saw a 37% increase. In response, American lawmakers, in their unmatched wisdom, decided to open the floodgates further and enable companies to legally exploit children. 

Take Arkansas, for instance, where companies are no longer obligated to verify the age of their teenage staff. In New Jersey, 16-year-olds can work for 50 hours a week, with no need for parental or school consent. The cherry on top? At least 11 states in the U.S are actively trying to weaken child labor protections, primarily citing labor shortage.

A Lesson in “The Value of Money”: Work More, Earn Less

The United States is also graciously teaching kids “the value of money” by allowing them to work longer hours for lower wages. Case in point – Nebraska, where the minimum wage rise to $15 per hour by 2026 does not apply to child workers. Because what better way to teach kids the value of money than by ensuring they don’t earn much of it?

An Ingenious Strategy: Abortion Bans Meet Cheap Labour

In the theatrical play that is America, we are observing a peculiar plot twist: a surge in abortion restrictions and recent Supreme Court’s abortion pill ruling is suspiciously coinciding with an aggressive push for more child labor. Could it be a random turn of events? Or is it an elaborate, almost comically sinister plan, where controlling women’s reproductive rights ensures an endless conveyor belt of fresh, young, and budget-friendly labor?

We are often lectured about the sanctity of life, how every child is a godsent gift and anti abortion argument. Yet, once these children take their first steps in the world, they’re viewed as budding cash crops, ready to be planted into the labor fields of the great American economy.

And what about the women who may not want to birth a child into a world where kindergarten graduation is followed closely by their first job application? Seems like their perspectives got lost in the mail, or maybe ended up in the spam folder. Who needs personal freedom when there’s an economy to feed, right?

So here we are, witnessing the evolution of the “land of the free” into what can only be described as a Kafkaesque parody. Restrictions on abortion are rising, while simultaneously, the ploy to exploit child labor grows stronger. Are we trapped in a dystopian sitcom where women are forced to give birth only for their kids to be shipped off to the nearest factory or farm? If so, someone needs to cancel this show, ASAP.

Imagine what the founding fathers might say, seeing their cherished “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” transformed into “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Cheap Labor.” They’re probably doing somersaults in their graves.

The famous words, “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” from Emma Lazarus’s poem on the Statue of Liberty have been given a grim makeover: “Give me your young, your moms, your financially struggling, yearning to work, no matter the wage.” 

The Land of Free Reign for Corporations

In the end, it appears that the United States is slowly morphing from “the land of the free” to “the land of free reign for corporations“, where child rights and protections hang by a precarious thread.

If this trajectory continues, it’s not hard to imagine an American future where kids trade playgrounds for factories, school buses for assembly lines, and textbooks for toolboxes. All the while, corporations happily count their profits, thanks to their bargain workforce.

So, the next time you think of the “American Dream,” remember the image of a 14-year-old working a night shift in a factory, no doubt humming the Star-Spangled Banner. As for the sweet dreams of a fair and just society, they seem to be rapidly fading into the realm of fairy tales.

It seems that in the face of labor shortages, the United States’ ingenious solution is to restrict access to abortion and loosen child labor laws, thereby ensuring a steady supply of underpaid workers. If this is indeed the strategy, one has to hand it to America – who else could come up with such an “innovative” solution to an economic problem?

The American Dream seems to be taking on a whole new meaning – “Work hard, and then work some more, especially if you’re under 18!” The stars on the American flag could soon symbolize underage workers clocking in for their night shifts rather than the fifty states.

Is this a manifestation of ‘American Ingenuity’, or a Kafkaesque twist on capitalism? Either way, it appears the Land of Opportunity is now extending ‘opportunities’ to its youngest citizens – to labor. And that, dear readers, is not a punchline to a joke, but the bitter reality of the new American Dream.

Conclusion

So, buckle up folks, as we witness this dystopian carousel ride unravel in the American wonderland, where the constitutional pledge of ‘justice for all’ takes on a new meaning. Will this adventure end in a happy “happily ever after” or a grim cautionary tale for future generations? Only time will tell.

Until then, here’s a toast to the ingenious strategy of America – flipping ‘God’s Plan’ on its head, exploiting its future generations, and delivering an Oscar-worthy performance of irony. Oh, how the mighty have stooped!

And as for those exhausted, underpaid teenagers and overworked single moms? Welcome to the American Dream, 2.0, where every day is an episode of ‘Survivor: The Industrial Revolution Edition.’ Now, isn’t that ‘ingeniously’ funny?